back in the saddle

It's been many moons since I visited my journal. (I refuse to call it a blog, but that is what it is, I guess.) Just out of curiosity I came back to it and it was like looking at a photo album of moments captured in time...words instead of images. My heart was filled with warmth and I was surprised by reading my past entries. I forgot how much I love to write and how easily it comes to me. My husband is always telling me I'm so good at it (so that's why I have to craft our wedding invitations or write letters and cards to our families and friends, because he doesn't have the way with words that I do.) I am shamelessly going to say it....I am good at writing. And I love writing. So, I should be doing it more.

Hence getting back on the saddle. 

So much has changed since I wrote my last entry. The biggest of all being that I let go of an unhealthy relationship with my ex and have not really had any contact with him. I tried to remain friends but he didn't want that. So I guess that  makes it easier, but it hurt none the less. I moved on and I'm so glad I did. I met Mike not soon after ending it with my ex and after becoming very good friends, we started what has been the best, healthiest relationship I've ever had.  Fast forward three years later and we are now married. In that time between my last blog (cringe) post, I graduated from grad school in 2012 and got a job as a first grade teacher at an amazing school. I'm the happiest I've been and I love my life. That's not to say there haven't been difficulties along the way. I'm just more equipped to deal with them now that I'm emotionally and mentally healthy. Spiritually and physically, those two areas need some TLC. But I can dust off my bible and commit to more regular church attendance. And I can remind myself that it's not "having to go" to the gym, but instead "getting to go" to a beautiful place of health and strength. 
One. Day. At. A. Time. 
I have amazing friends who are there for me, no matter what. I have a job that I love that feels less like a job and IS my calling. I have a family that would do anything for me. I'm lucky. And my journey goes on. And (for now) I will write about it. 
xoxo

words of wisdom by Ely Fuller

"If you enter into healing, be prepared to lose everything. Healing is a ravaging force to which nothing seems sacred or inviolate. As my original pain releases itself in healing, it rips to shreds the structures and foundations I built in weakness and ignorance. I am experiencing the bizarre miracle of reincarnating, more lucidly than at birth, in the same lifetime."-Ely Fuller

what is most meaningful to me?

what provides me the most pleasure?

what am I good at?

counting daily blessings - gratitude lists -

slow down - look at your surroundings - find beauty in everything you see

happiness depends on your state of mind

http://www.yogajournal.com/wisdom/2516?utm_source=Wisdom&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_campaign=Wisdom

Keeping Time on a River

It never ceases to surprise me, the river. And it is, ironically, a familiar feeling - I am standing in that which is moving.  It alters my sense of time.  When the hour hand becomes shadows of overhead arms slinking across the brush beyond the bank, this is the passing of time.  The repetitive taps of the second hand are snakes of grass standing out of the river, always dancing, always moving. As this water flows, in more ways than I can imagine, I am standing in the middle of it. My time is standing still even though the water pushes past me fast and I am aware of everything alive around me. Wading downstream with the current makes navigating the river easier in my opinion.  The water pushes me forward but also offers resistance and it is a feeling that is hard to describe, like feeling gravity’s pull. Water finds the path of least resistance and uses it. Nature is a teacher and, on this day, I am thankfully living in the moment, in what seems to be the perfect moment.

I read the river and wade to the spots that look good for fish. Wading, it is such a strange word for what it actually is—navigating through a beautiful river bed full of hiding rocks that evokes a more romantic and softer sounding word. Wading  is defined as “walking in or through water or something else that similarly impedes normal movement.”  If this is so, then my life is a river. It is not life that impedes my natural movement, but stressors, situations, and whatever else I choose to get caught up in and let hamper my forward movement.  Even going downstream and not having to fight against the current, I step clumsily until I find my balance among the movement of the water. It becomes so natural that I no longer think about walking, but concentrate on what is above water, the fly rod and the sun on my shoulders.  My first casts are stiff and fall short, and I am glad that friends are upstream and is too engrossed in their own casting to notice mine.  I stand still and focus solely on casting and then reeling in my popper so it realistically “pops” across the water.

Catching a fish always surprises me. Perhaps if I fished more, the surprise might dull, but I doubt it. Watching the end of my line disappear while simultaneously feeling the resistance on the line takes my breath away, lights up my face, and connects me with all those from years  ago who fished for sustenance, for survival.  After reeling in a spirited Small Mouth, I carefully hold it with my left hand and remove the hook from its lip with my right, glad it is an easy release.  The second catch is not as smooth, for the fish nearly swallows the popper, the hook down by its gills. My fingers do not fit to get a hold on the lure, so after for help. One friend tells me I have to do it on my own, so I pick up the fish and try again, and still with no success, I am nervous.  I hold the fish in the water and can feel it getting weaker. Starting to panic, I contemplate my next move, and just then, the fish wiggles right out of my hand while, at the same time, the hook mysteriously comes free, and the fish swims away.

I exhale relief but can see luck for what it is and know that the next cast and catch might prove another challenge and that the outcome is up to me.  Again, more lessons for life; nature is such a teacher!  My time is here on this river is for learning to see, to feel, to be.  There are still hours gifted us, to spend that time as we wish, fishing, sitting on a warm rock out of the water, taking it all in—the troops of lilies guarding the banks and the songs of birds among the rippling water sounds.  Knowing that there is a whole summer of this to enjoy makes me feel very blessed and very grateful. 

"This is a very important practice. Live your daily life in a way that you never lose yourself. When you are carried away with your worries, fears, cravings, anger, and desire, you run away from yourself and you lose yourself. The practice is always to go back to oneself." — ~Thich Nhat Hanh

It's a good thing I don't keep track mentally of all the times I get carried away on the trains that regularly pass through my day. There's the insecurity train, the fear train, and the worry train. There are more but they all have the same destination - places as far away from calm and from peace that one can go. Depression. Worthlessness. You get the picture. 


I don't keep track of all these trips I go on but the travel does take its toll. It's exhausting going on so many of these train rides. 


The crazy thing about it all is that I choose to get on these trains, to lose myself. I'm getting better at recognizing the signs of an approaching train and can turn my back on it, feeling the rush of wind as it blows right by me. I know where I'd go if I got on that train. I know what things I can do to strengthen those parts of me that know better than to get carried away with fear, anxiety, or insecurities. Yoga grounds me in the moment, with my breath, and all the sensations that the practice brings, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. 




Even if it's going out on the back porch and doing a few poses in the sunlight filtering through the dogwood blossoms. The cats doing their own version of yoga beside me, the birds singing. Even ten minutes of this does wonders. 


I've even started a sitting practice. Meditation in baby steps. It challenges me more than I can express. To simply sit and be still. Still body is not so hard. It's stilling my mind that is so hard. I am starting small. Five minutes. And I simply sit. And listen to my breath. And feel my body. And let go any thoughts that come to mind and bring my awareness back to my breathing. 
I read an article that talks about the kind of practice I've been doing. 

 Rather than put yourself in a perfect posture, you just sit down. Rather than think, "I'm going to meditate now," you allow yourself to simply be present with your experience in the moment. That is, you leave the mind open, perhaps using the breath as an anchor but not requiring yourself to cling to that anchor. You keep bringing yourself back to the feelings in your body, to the sensations of the breath, to the play of thoughts. You let yourself be there, feeling whatever you're feeling, without trying to change your state in any way.


I want to live my daily life (every single moment, every breath) grounded, positive, and mindful. And when I do get carried away, I will come back to myself, without judgement, without shame. 


This is a beautiful time of year to focus on ways to stay with myself, be mindful, and give thanks for the beauty that surrounds me. Springtime here is almost intoxicating with all the colors and scents. New growth around me. New growth within. 

Gift

"What we need is the gift of God which makes us able to find in ourselves not just ourselves, but Him; and then our nothingness becomes His all.  This is not possible without the liberation effected by communication and humility.  It requires not talent, not mere insight, but sorrow, pouring itself out in love and trust."
 ~Thomas Merton

Changing rooms in your mind for a day

That is a line from a Hafiz poem that I posted here.

I especially like that line because it is sometimes a challenge for me to let go of patterns of thought or only seeing life from a limited perspective. Getting to change rooms in my mind for day (or infinitely) graces me with a new view, a new vantage point, like looking out of a window of different room. When I have stepped into that new room and looked not only out the window, but what's around me, it enables me to see the dwellings I previously inhabited in my mind that are not healthy, productive, or positive.

A few years ago, I came across an article in Yoga Journal magazine that explained how we get stuck in certain rooms in our mind or mental grooves -

"According to yogic philosophy, we're born with a karmic inheritance of mental and emotional patterns—known assamskaras—through which we cycle over and over again during our lives.

The word samskara comes from the Sanskrit sam (complete or joined together) and kara (action, cause, or doing). In addition to being generalized patterns, samskaras are individual impressions, ideas, or actions; taken together, our samskaras make up our conditioning. Repeating samskaras reinforces them, creating a groove that is difficult to resist. Samskaras can be positive—imagine the selfless acts of Mother Theresa. They can also be negative, as in the self-lacerating mental patterns that underlie low self-esteem and self-destructive relationships. The negative samskaras are what hinder our positive evolution."


This helped me understand how it is possible to repeat old patterns of thought and ultimately behavior. I can create new patterns and the more I follow those, the more they are strengthened. 




 When I started reading the Bible, I found so many places that tell how I can change rooms in my mind simply by accepting God's love for me. 


"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will."
Romans 12:2


"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Romans 15:13

the shower of all places...

We all know the expected monotony that takes place in the shower...washing, shampooing, conditioning, perhaps shaving that day. But once in a rare while, I have profound realizations about my life. They come to me out of nowhere. Literally!
I'm in the middle of rinsing my the shampoo out of my now much shorter hair and out of nowhere, I am drawn to notice the droplets of water falling off my bowed head. It was a sight I can say I've never seen and I've been in that shower who knows how many times. It was like the droplets were falling in slow motion and I could see the light reflecting out of each one, the path each one took through the air. It was surreal. The frame of my vision included my legs and feet which I noticed in different detail, set as the backdrop to these magical, beautiful droplets of water.
And while this was going on, my only thought was simply this: "this moment is your life".

I know there is a quote with this in it - Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.

I love my shower realizations. You end up getting out of the shower, glad to be clean and refreshed, and you've gained some insight. And possibly too smooth legs.

The only explanation I have to these shower moments is that I succumb to intense relaxation of my mind and body while standing under very comforting hotter-than-it-should-be streams of water and in this moment I temporarily let myself go. Let everything go - enough to be mindful of beauty that happens in each moment.

I know it's called mindfulness, but it is something that eludes me even though I seek it. I know I can't stand in infinite showers, so the thought of a meditation practice / a sitting practice is in the workings of my mind. I also know that I can sit on an idea and it never happens so I'm committed to creating moments to have more of these realizations out of the shower. If I can get myself to several yoga classes a week of which I'm reaping the benefits of, then I know I can make time to see how meditating goes. Baby steps!